Death and Salvation.....

A very rare experience for me - emotional turmoil.......i 'm beyond limits a logical and practical bloke.....some scattered events have stirred up some yet unfelt emotions........its strange though but i can fully concentrate on my work stuff....but these feelings that i have chose to ignore for this long is cropping up like this.....though these words may seem utterly unrelated to the title but on reading this one would understand that its no so...........its not suicidal or so in any context......here it goes...

Death and Salvation!!!!

treading alone, no one along
this life i have dwelt all alone
never allowing, never seeking
expectations none, not even craving
grief of seperation i have had but one
with steel wants to face when it comes.....
the moment of salvation!!!!
the point of salvation!!!!


pain and suffering are strewn
after the seam breaks its hard to be swen
its life for all
one can stand only after forcing a fall
justified by time and tale
authority or common all faces the gale
culminatimg in death!!!
granting a shot at salvation!!!!


screwed by all, betrayed by the trusted
decieved by promises, tricked into being expected...
it all turned out to be hollow
naivity today is just shallow
brother come and shout
its time i took charge of my bout
till my death!!!!
claming my salvation!!!!

Places unknown

we sometimes have to look into that unknown place inside of us to realise a bitter truth or get an answer apropse to a long standing dilemma or a prob....this is just a manifestation of that.....

wondering around I try
to find the post that matches
i wish i knew where to fly
before any one reads or catches
a feeling such can never be expressed
defying all imagination
overcoming bodily duress
leaping sanity's definition
speculating whether its fantasy or imagination
making me rattle the places unkown!!!!!

imagination playing tricks with figments
painting a picture rosy and red
cant guarantee solace when all crumbles
its all boils down to the will
end will come one day
none can foretell to epilogue
so why the fear of 'what may' ?
dont wait for the que to you dialogue
whether you sieze the moment or exhault
it'll rattle your palces unknown!!!!!

life is rough, the going gets tough
giving up and sulking is not an option
few are those who fares greener turf
of reality they have no notion
the end is for sure
whether nigh or far, can say none
its a game to be played fair
defaulters for ever will be gone
its raw, its real and often its cruel
it will churn one up to the places unknown!!!!!

when the final bell strikes
none will stand beside to hold
the hand, which you wish they might
dont even whim that it may otherwise unfold
the final party tells it all
sweat, tear, smirk or giggle
all of the journey before your fall
whether enroute you were sombre or fickle.
it will be there and will happen
but you can only speculate from palces unknown!!!!!

Solace.....

we all search for some peace and solace here and there....infact the best place to search for solace is within one self....this is an attempt to potray just that....

SOLACE....

Feeling of a deep abyss
the mystery unfolding slowly
silence more poisonous than the fatal hiss
i feel wors than being miserly.
fathom i cannot the reason for this
festive is the season and the peeps
so why would i like to miss
all this to be lost in the abyss!!!!
i am listless...i am lost....
looking for something i can never have
only darkness seems as a solace.

A pain so severe i have never felt
piercing through all of my defense
seems like only one way left
cut the beating piece out for some sense....
now i can understand why eve acted so
no wonder we are all doomed
like lusting over a forbidden fruit i seek for more
testing me to the point i might boom!!!!
i am hurt....i am wounded.....
looking for a remedy that doesnt exist
only the end might offer a solace.

looking around me, i came to realise
its the same story for all here
whining and bitching wont make an answer materialise
fight till you can stare straight at your fear....
the motto is not to give up
its strange how it can make one change
motivated and driven, one can never stop
by no force would the determination be maimed!!!!!
i am strong....i am awake...
looking no more for the confidence that i possess
only my mettle can offer me solace!!!!!

The girl with a secret.....

Lets just leave it at that.....


the girl with a secret!!!

simple and sombre at first look
a minute her face took
hiding completely the pain and anger
a calm sea is what it seeemed to bear
with every peal i came to realize
how the look did materialize
respect and awe she seemed to arouse
not lust or hunger to bemuse
the girl with a secret !!!!!

the look of deep hurt it had no trace
the pain of death had no reflection on that face
spellbound she had me for long
respect for her was just too strong
feeling so deep and intense she had
would even wipe hell in its flood
the face that used to make her smile
didnt even see that face on his demise
the girl with a secret !!!!!

emotions and feelings buried deep
not even a provocation could make 'em leap
enduring all with pursed lips
god forbid should something would slip...
death changes one in ways unknown
not in such i could have easily sworn
with every passing second i wonder
how can one still remain to sober
that girl with a secret !!!!!

Circle of life

as the name suggests this piece is about our life - infancy -> adolescence -> mid life -> demise. I have tried to put in a few lines....its my point of view and will definitely vary for others.
so here it is :-

'Circle of Life!!!!'


crackers brusting,full of life
the boy then born is playing with his toy
learning to ride he took a fall
life and love just made their call
still he bore a smile on his face
thinking all was just a devine grace
too pure to realise
too innocent to precieve the evil disguise
circle of life!!!!

adolescence claimed his raw mind
fantasizing about sexes and behind
rosey tunes clamped to his ears
the untamed mind grew out of his years
a cruel game with him was played
like a pawn on the board he was laid
too weak he was to percieve
too ignorant of the darkness to concieve
circle of life!!!!

darkness of life, he could never fathom
wished he later, better it had been the dreaded phantom
after the first bolt that struck
he could never get over the amok
choas was what he wished for after
turmoil was the gift that his existence had to offer
too young to feel the wrath it seemed
too late it was, what he couldn't feel
circle of life!!!!

standing alone, fatigued and dejected
now realising how much he was delluded
no one was there to share the pain
fair is a game that returned no gain
not an exception, he came to realize
its just the events that life, for us organize
too late it was to live any more and mourn
to die now was the only wish he bore...
ending what we know as the circle of life!!!!!!

forgotten.....

the days fly by
faster than imagination/ur vision
the pain inflicted by you
still stings as bad as new
everything seems to fade away
i will give anything away
can anyone drive this pain away
nothing seems to help anymore
neither dope nor drugs can give a way,
never felt this so down before
but why is this pain never forgotten?
why cant this be forgotten.....
forgotten...............

every minute seems to linger
time seems to have stopped
now its all bitter memories left
for me to put past
never could tell you that
part of my life were you
if you could feel in a similar manner.........

wish i had never felt that way
never gave way to my feelings
never allowed anyone
to make me feel like shit
should have given time for
the righteous owner
ahhhhhh..........
never felt this miserable before
why cant this be forgotten.....
forgotten...............

we had spent hours on the above lines....but just couldn't find the right tunes.....even some parts still remain undecided......:(

what the kid comprehended!!!!

this is by far the most personal of my feelings that i have tried to express.....whatever i actually felt has been oozed out in the beast possible way i could.....

looking around him
everything so dark and grim....
the kid held out his hand
on his dad'- expecting it to land,
finding nothing but the dark
it all came to him in a rush.....
parents were out helping others
leaving him in the dark to get smothered
never could he comprehend
how could his parents not apprehend!!!!

everytime the phone rang
mommy & daddy were off with a bang
did they ever stop to think?
loneliness to the kid was like a pungent stink
with years the kid felt the same
but to mom & dad it was nothing but a futile game
the same people abused them
like servants they treated them...
never could he comprehend
how could his parents not apprehend!!!!!

day or night, it was the same
for any exuse lame
the kid would be left alone
while mom & dad was gone.
now they have grown old
the kid now is bold....
its time for mommy & daddy to take care
of themselves & stop the philanthropy....
how cant they not comprehend
the simple fact which even a kid could apprehend!!!!!!!!!!

the soul collector...

I will take all your life
I will take all your soul..
I will never die
'cause i am the soul collector......

Angels,they fear me
Demons, they revere me.....
The Devil, he beseech me.....
'cause i'm the soul collector

Rotting bodies - useless
dying s - priceless
Putrid flesh - unbearable
oozing blood - irresistible

to the soul collector!!!!!

why people change so much???

my life revolved around you
didnt think ever to argue
those golden years r gone
the toddler have grown
liked those daz
still i dream n gaze
knowing they will never return
guess why they seem priceless
hoped you would remain the same
reality plays a different game
you would change
i didnt ever imagine so much
i dont even recognise
who you really are?
answer me why
why people change so much???


memeory remains when
you opened all your treasure
rather would spend with you
than those idiots
never found you annoyed
neither a frown
why is it this way now
why now.......
that the very presense
seems to piss you.....
seldom i see that welcomin face
rarely see that soothin smile
feels so claustrophobic
strangled to the last breathe
i dont even recognise
who you really are?
answer me why
why people change so much???

why do people have to change
why do those i love
why those i care for
why those who matter more
why people change so much?????

never did argue with you
actions seemed to say all
not a bed of roses i knew
but why do all thorns before me lay astrew
all the time it same
tired o playin the same game
all conversations turned sour
smiles fadin away in tears
how i want to put things
where they were...........
wish you could feel
as i do now
wish you could see
the pain i am in now
wish you had never changed
wish those days never
passed by..........
help me please
answer me please
why do people change so much????
why do people change
why................


early lines.....

Are we really free.....

we are all free.....take a good look around you and think whether this is true or just a hoax......everyday incessantly someone trumps our freedom with their ideology.....this is what has become of us all.....this is the modified version that we are led to believe as freedom....recently i read the new fredrick forsyth book 'the cobra'....it shows the real menace that narcotics can bring to a family......all these led me to think on 'are we really free'.....there is chaos everywhere.....there is no peace around....democracies are existing on a thin line of so called peace.....a very fragile situation and what astonishes me the most is to see people not even giving a damn about it....leave alone doing something......this is a really grim situation and it really saddens me......anger i've none any more.......all this resentment and bottled up feelings i had decided to pen and came into existence these following lines.......

the freedom cry!!!!


brimming with life
bustling with energy
a scene so ripe
like a cacaphony in synergy
hard to believe
but its raw as blood
so many hearts that never leave
like drifting in a flood
some gloom
some happy
its all of ignorance
its all of love

reality does differ
the truth they see not
then they would shiver
stomach pained with a knot
budgets increasing daily
machines built to be sent
striking mortality incessantly
or snorting their way to death
some lost
some mourned
its all in the name of power
its all in the name of lust

promises there has been many
people taking offices in plenty
then the problems are ignored gently
and we again go to the box sadly
time hangs from a balance
waiting for us to wake
done placing all the grievances
due is a great havoc
all rise
all cry
its for our life
its for our real freedom!!!!

lets hope that more people will start caring.......

lets try to be romantic..........

There always is a time in all our lives when we fall hopelessly in love with a person......well this person is their dream lover....a celebrity or sportsperson or someone whom we can't have as our bf/gf in real life........this is what is called an infatuation in the true sense of terms.....this is a really weird feeling and nobody can help you out of the situation.....let it be a mystery here whether this following piece is about a girl who i infatuate or is it a literal expressions for all those who infatuate someone......this is a rare romantic side of my writing.....i seldom write about romance and love.....well there is only another piece in this blog about romance other than this one.......so let it be said that this might be one of the rare pieces that express in true sense of terms how a person feel when they r hopelessly in love with someone with whom they cannot have a relationship with in real life.......just enjoy.....\m/

this is called YOU......


a feeling so fresh
it makes my blood race
the moves your body makes
my heart feel the quakes
those limbs so slender
and that skin, soft and tender
a touch is all i crave
will it be a wish so grave
your smile makes me skip a beat
your eyes makes me wanna feel the heat
all i want is you....
nothing else but you!!!


knowing that it might never come true
i still wanna dream this through
to hold your hand in mine
and kiss those lips that tastes like wine
everything about you is so great
wish this dream never ends
darling, it was love at first sight
was ready to face all odds with might
regret only i have is one
into reality this dream can be turned by none
all i for wish is you....
nothing else but you!!!

Expressions........

this past week i was appearing for an interview for my post graduate admissions at IIT Kanpur....all of us who were appearing for the final round of interview were made to sit in a common waiting room.....while we were all sitting there i noticed that all the people there were having unique expressions on their faces...some casual,some serious, some nervous,some calm while there were others who were cracking jokes and were seemingly having a good time there.......actually these were different coping mechanisms for different people to deal with imminent stress!!!!!
i was looking around and observing the different expressions.......the ones on the girls were really interesting....some had a hard look,some not at all friendly....particularly there was one girl who was staring at me with such intensity that i thought she was trying to burn me with her stare(lol!!!!)......seeing such wide emotional sub-genres that i couldn't but help myself to write something about it......this following piece is just a little insight into the different types of expressions that i came across in that room which i shared with all those strangers for a few hours.....i wouldn't forget that piercing look that the girl gave me.....i don't what she was trying to say or convey but she definitely did freak me out for a split second...............here it is EXPRESSIONS.....

expressions.....

expressions there are many..
most of them are not even funny,
grave, none seem to the eye....
what we dont see is the turmoil inside!!!
as if they are standing on the last stair
eyes closed shut, no courage for a stare...
seems to be knocking on hell's gate
someone will soon come to seal their fate.
weird how misleading they can be
how real they can feel
EXPRESSIONS!!!!


the look that finally made you kneel
you never knew that you would be the one to leave.....
leads us in directions wayward...
but we still search for them to make a move forward.
eyes fixed in a grim stare,
cold enough to light a flare.....
you try to find what it says
maybe then you can be at harms way.
so real and true they sometimes are..
for explanations you dont even care.....
EXPRESSIONS!!!!

a cruel con.......

many a times we hear people trying to achieve a certain standard of life or moved from a small town or place of no importance to a bigger for famous place or position....sometimes we feel happy for those people....and there are others who are just waiting to get a hold of these people to exploit them when they have reached that particular position........we all dream of doing great things.... there are those who want to achieve a better standard of living.....a much better one...one that the elites of the society enjoys.......its a dream they want to see come true at any cost...they work hard, they toil and when they finally achieve what they have worked for they wish to be treated as an equal......many a times they are treated as equal.....and many a times they a conned in the name of being treated as equal......what the person feels then i know not....what i do know is expressed in a few lines here........

alone the boy stands
hoping to catch a glimpse
underneath all those colourful strands
everything around him is amiss
lights and flurry there were many
so close they seem to him
cares for him is there any
or is he just an investment too grim??
pompous with joy there are all
love for once he once to feel
but no one is ready to take that fall
like an enemy weak he is made to kneel...
wondering what it would be...
to live amongst those above
the boy tries a road to find
only to be told there is no love!!!

this still needs to be completed!!!!!!

starting from the scratch.......

this has been a long break for me.....i'm back here after quite a few months.......its like moving into a new locality.....but once i realized that i have returned to my sanctum it looks all familiar now.....
i really have been very busy picking up the bits and pieces of my mistakes....some times you dont get what you deserve or the result is not upto your expectation....even though you have worked very hard for it.......well the truth is this happens all the time with me....i dont know why.....nothing goes my way smoothly.....unexpected barriers keep coming up infront of me.....i dont know why but this is just the way i have been facing life.....all 23 yrs of it till date......some times i think i must have made my usual joke or comments about the god of luck(if there is any...) and must have pissed him off pretty bad!!!!!!hehehe....
WTF do i care........will face whatever comes my way.......
well there is something i want to divulge here....sometimes how i feel....presently how i feel and how i pledge to do right........its a real personal feeling....if anyone reads this post other than me would not understand these last few lines......but anyways enjoy the next few......
its really good to be back in 'My S@nctum'!!!!!

running out...

hanging by the balance
never taking another chance
to let me endure this
a life of misery, without bliss....
bearing a wry smile
all my pains i file...
everything seems to fall apart....
every shred of luck running out!!!

the world around me seems to collapse
seeing others rise makes my pains relapse
brain drained of all zest
getting only jealous
never felt so desperate
time only making me more frustrate
trying to rebuild part by part...
my sanctum, whilst my patience is running out!!!

mistake too grave i've committed
with a dejected head i admit it...
price too heavy i'm paying
its a truth to which theres no denying
have only one last shot
to redemption, then alls lost
going down like a well fought bout
have to finish as my stamina is running out!!!!

well why not me.....

well why not me.....i can be sarcastic....well i'm mostly sarcastic...........my sense of humor is base upon my sarcasm and i tend to keep people around me pretty happy with it.....
but this is a different level of sarcasm.....here the joke is made of our lives...of the lives of those people who cant voice their grievances and of those whose grievances fall on deaf ears.....
some people tend to rise to fame riding on a facade and they seem to be pretty proud of themselves.....well this is about those ruthless bastards and those smothered millions and somethings more!!!!! its called THE TRIUMPH OF LIFE....

Triumph of Life

burning bright in the dark
fading away with a spark
colours of life turning grey
a darker shade everyday
stranger than fiction it seems
people claiming that life beams
love and happiness is whats all there
but their claims are overruled everywhere
riddled with pain and plight
we call it the Triumph of Life
Triumph of Life!!!!

every face bears a smile
preaching that all's fine
a picture so beautiful
humanity should be grateful
lifting up our hands
while the elite take up the stands
strugling for a nibble
smothering the feeble
with power and might
we call it the Triumph of Life
Triumph of Life!!!

on we cling
convinced that hope isnt a fling
ready to bleed and die
for glory even if its a lie
like a phoenix one rises
seldom and houses
in our hearts
despite all the hurts
with mettle without fright
we call it the Triumph of Life
Triumph of Life!!!!

Darkness.....

well we often feel that we r all alone in this dark and dirty world......we r standing alone somewhere and nobody is near us or even close to us....this is a pretty serious situation and this is what i have tried to describe here.....this just brings out the real loneliness that one faces and the ways that one craves to get out of it also.....also superstitions and misconceptions lead us to darkness of intellect and judgement.....more so a way devoid of any spiritual guidance or satanism can lead us into darkness...but whatever it is it stays along with us until and unless we try to redeem ourselves or correct ourselves to make us feel better...this way of redemption should come from one's own self and not through the guidance of some tom dick n harry........
so here is how it goes.......

Darkness...

standing alone in the dark
engulfed in loneliness
waiting for a bark
to know i am not the only one to caress
not a soul to be felt
not a ray of light
seems like i have dwelt
my entire life without a fight
in darkness of my faith
ignorance and blindness
filled with darkness!!!

trying to find a gleam
searching a way out
trying to see if i can dream
with eyes open, but its darkness all around
like a fallen warrior i try
fighting till my last
giving it all till the ultimate/last cry
but can see hope fade away fast
in the darkness of defeat
exhaustion and weariness
filled with darkness!!!!

err......

this is post is more of a self preservation or awakening post for me.....finally i have realized that i ought not to take any thing for granted and have to do all shit seriously......
i may be as care free as i can but wen its business i have to do it with full heart......
so this is for all that....its called....
what i have done???


never felt so alone,
never so deserted....
that i would be so
a glimpse never though of.....
minutes seem longer,
a week like an era....
what have i done to deserve this?
what have i done to be without bliss....

battered by fate
the test of gods i failed.......
riding high with arrogance
was too late in realising my ignorance
solitude, which i used to so crave
now feels like drawing me to the grave
what have i done to deserve such pain?
what have i done to want to fade....

learned the hard way
a price too dear i have to pay....
nothing matters any more
the same mistakes i'll make no more.....
will never let my guard down,
not a bed of roses now its known
what i have done i will redeem.....
never shall i ask this again!!!

the phase that i am going through presently is a pretty difficult one for me....
i hope to get out of this mess pretty quickly.....problems for me comes from all corners....outside and inside...sometimes it becomes quite difficult to manage all of them...but i still hang on waiting for that particular day when i can do whatever i think i should without having to look around....hehe!!!

farewell to an era........

finally am about to graduate from college......this is supposed to be a big achievement and it sure is.....but y do i feel so depressed....the happiness of graduating has been marred by a sense of sadness.....it feels as though these past 4 yrs have passed in a bliss......though m graduating in a very troubled time but it feels that the thought of leaving this college hurts the most.....
for the past 4 yrs what i have done is to curse the gruesome mess food and the useless gate timing and the different restrictions imposed upon us by the proctor cell and the college administration.....
now it seems that these things will be missed the most......
it is in human nature to not appreciate what we have at hand.....this is the first time that i am realizing it....it sure is a wonderful feeling but it does make me feel sad......
as one by one my friends are leaving this place for the final time i am feeling a strange knot in my stomach.....as if i am afraid to leave this place.....never have i felt like this before, not even when i had to leave my home to come here.......this is really strange......i am at a loss trying to figure out why my emotions are acting like this.......neither can i confront them nor can i confide them to anyone....damn i wish i had a girlfriend!!!!!!!!!!
i have come to know many weird and wonderful people in this college........even learn tits and bits of lots of languages....these past 4 yrs really had been an unprecedented experience.......
farewell NIT,JALANDHAR.......i came here as a boy and now am going out as a man........

reflections

this post is after a fairly long time......i would like to think this one a post that reminds us that we only get to live once. so when we stand at the very end of our journey in this world we should not think that we could have led our life differently and that what we have lived is not what we had intended to..............a bit philosophical i know and a bit uncanny for a bloke like me.......but still........
hehe......

when you were to die
you came to realise
you never satisfied
desires nor expectations
never played by the rules
never gave a flying fuck

wish you could change
those ideals so lame
wish you had played a different game
happier and solemn
less would have been the pain
less would u be so drained

like a barren tree you lay
without another chance
to revive what you glance
redeem or restore
reflections of a better life
reflections without others' grief

22 and counting......

this day makes me feel something special about me......its my birthday...... someone once said that there is nothing to feel good about your birthday cause u r taking a step closer to your death.......
I say fuck that.....its a very special in each of ours lives and we should enjoy it the fullest.......
this is the day that we saw the light of day or the darkness of night or the first rain fall.......each of us has a different experience to share.......
i was born in the afternoon and its peak summer in India in april.....
so it was the scorching sun for me......THE LIGHT OF DAY.......
when i was a kid i was very naughty and troublesome......i would get punished always for my misdeeds.....the only exception being on my birthday......i could pull the greatest larceny that a kid can pull and still go free......without even a scolding........
see how good this day has always been for me...........
well now its a different story altogether..... the celebrations have changed and so have the leniency ......lol......
but still who gives a shit......its my day i will enjoy it to the fullest......yeeeeaaaaah!!!!!!